She Wants It Her Way

1. Shake It Out | Florence and the Machine - This song got me in the mood for dancing and moving around every time (and I played it at least 20 times on my 12-day trip). What a reminder to let go of the past! "It's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake it out!"
2. Weekends | Urban Cone - Another great dance tune that makes it feel like the sun is shining brighter. Everyday feels like the weekend when you're on vacation. "Can you feel it? I can feel it!"
3. The Beauty in the Ugly I Jason Mraz - Who are you and who do you want to be? I want to be true to me. Jason is my #1 favorite artist/musician, so no doubt he would make this list. But this song is from the show "Ugly Betty" and speaks volumes about not losing you by "leaving normal just to satisfy demand."
4. Flaws | Bastille - Discovering the beauty in the ugly means looking at flaws as a beautiful part of the Me puzzle. I'm okay with wearing my flaws on my sleeves. It makes me human and they don't need to be counted...just recognized as step one in self-awareness. "There’s a hole in my soul, I can’t fill it"...but I know who can.
5. Akeda | Matisyahu - Self-discovery is only part of the equation. I realized that unless you know the Creator, it's impossible to truly know yourself. This journey has been traveled with Matisyahu by my side, since I won tickets to his Philadelphia concert in December 2014. The beginning of me starts with Love. God is Love, and I am His. His daughter, His friend, His lover, His servant, His vessel to move and speak life on the Earth. Now I realize it begins with [these] words. Even if perfection is not expected or required, it feels like my flaws are hauntingly "telling the same story," and holding me back from fulfilling all I am called to be. The way Abraham trusted..."Teach me to love."
6. Love Invincible | Michael Franti - *This order is connecting better than I thought it would!* The thing about love is that there can never be too much. :) I am addicted to love and the idea of what it can do. "When we feel impossible, show us what is possible. Teach us love invincible."
7. Brokenness Aside | All Sons & Daughters - What stops us from loving to the max? I think it's us. "Will your grace run out if I let you down? Cause all I know is how to run... "If it's not one thing, it's another." My thoughts exactly. I want to love invincible. I recognize my flaws keep me from feeling enough sometimes...but I know there's a Savior that takes my flaws, my brokenness, and my imperfections to make them beautiful. The beauty in the ugly is that there is so more happening with "the ugly" than our eyes can see. And the process of gaining self-awareness, humility, and meekness makes the ugly brokenness become a beautiful masterpiece that screams, "But don't forget, my child, I love you."
8. Born Again | Josh Garrels - I realized I'm a runner. Acknowledging my insides has never been a priority, but has always created a fight or FLIGHT reaction when I couldn't explain it. That's part of my flaws. Being 'born again' is all about receiving an internal change that is an available gift of freedom for anyone who wants to accept it. Featured in an article in this month's edition of Relevant magazine, Josh seems to have been in a similar place that I am in—where I realize some "deep areas" of my life simply need to be flushed out...and not something to run from. "It took me a while, but my time has come to be born again...I am ready to feel the power of change."
9. Wonder (Spontaneous) | Bethel - I feel some type of way listening to their live music. I can feel that Spirit wanting to change and stir things up in {my} spirit. It's so beautiful to feel. It's almost like I can touch the wondrous beauty of this God. This Savior that loves and wants me just as I am...flaws and all. I NEVER want to "lose that wonder."
10. Now I Know | Stephen Marley - This came on the car stereo in LA and one line made me think, I need to add this. "What used to be unbreakable, thought this bond would never break. But nothing's permanent in life, all except for change." I have a tattoo that I designed stating the same thought...Nothing but change (and the God trinity -△) lasts forever, but all things must come to an end. "Now I know."

I love writing. It's a part of who I am. Even as a child, I would prefer to write out my thoughts and feelings in a letter, poem, song, and eventually blogs. I realized that writing is more than a hobby—even if it feels like work sometimes—it's a gift.

The thing about gifts is that they should be shared and never abused. Gifts should feel good to do.

Things are going to change.
Rather than focusing on my super eventful, non-parent approved adventures, I want to share #wisewords that may actually help you or someone you know. More life lessons.

WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT?
For one: never have expectations. But what you can expect is honesty and authenticity – not that it ever lacked. You can still expect stories, but only when relevant. You can expect a variety of topics from travel and budgets to good food, music, friendships, relationships, spirituality, and just good ol' words of wisdom. All from the prospective of a young professional.

I expect to have better frequency in posts  hopefully you'll see 2-4 /month for now. I'll start the next as a tie-in to my #Californiwakening trip. It certainly was awakening and revealing...I guess that's what a lot of alone/God time will do!

Why do we gravitate toward doing things we think we should do rather than the things we want to do? How does it become challenging and difficult to do things we once loved so much? Is it a loss of interest? Is it OK to be idle and comfortable--or is that being lazy? Is it time that seems like a constraint or like something that will always be there?

Priorities play a big factor; as does will and desire. I am a firm believer in "if you want to do or get something enough, there is nothing that will stop you from making it happen." Time is added to the schedule, preparations are made, and you get it [done].

I'm not sure if it's post-college life, but I haven't been as dedicated to making time for some things I feel like I should do. I also want to feel bad -- and even mentioning this may mean some guilt is in there, but I enjoy not being [pro]/active. Then I wonder if it's because I'm using up so much energy toward other places that aren't necessarily nourishing for the time spent.

Time is money; and time is life. Each moment that we use and each moment that we "waste" is time that could have been spent on something else. What's the best thing today and tomorrow?

There is also power in comfort and only doing just enough. When the right boundaries aren't in place, it's also possible to lose your reality and fall into someone else's. It's interesting how we get caught up in the every day and move based on an agenda that's not completely predicted by us so easily. Do you ever feel comfortable in living and doing just enough? 

...then, Vegas.
I really expected falling in love with the city, but I wasn't. I couldn't. The moment I walked off the plane, pokies (aka slot machines) greeted me and I knew that I would be in for a treat. I assumed being in the city of sin would mean more temptation...but it was not the storyline I plotted in my mind. Everything about Vegas is what I expected, but I was different.
I felt different. I felt out of my element--as if I didn't belong there. I stayed at the beautiful Caesars Palace (which you may recognize from the Hangover movie) and enjoyed everything about it, excluding the prices and indoor smoking policies (although both apply to all of Vegas). I took some extra time to really settle in and take it all in after I checked into the room.

Why do we gravitate toward doing things we want to do rather than the things we think we should do? How does it become challenging and difficult to do things we once loved so much and gave so much importance to? Is it a loss of interest? Is it due to life's many distractions—the Internet, relationships, work? Is it just part of growing up? Do people grow out of the things they love...their once upon a time passion or dreams? Is it even OK to be idle and comfortable--or is that being lazy and a borderline parasite (laziness has a scale)? Is it time that seems like a constraint or like something that will always be there, and so there is no need to rush?

My favorite character, Paul (formerly Saul) says, "For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice" in Romans 7:19 (NKJV). I know I am not the only one who struggles or has struggled with having the desire to get something done, but not actually doing it...or doing the opposite/nothing.

Priorities play a big factor; as does will and desire. I am a firm believer in "if you want to do or get something enough, there is nothing that will stop you from making it happen." Time is added to your schedule, preparations are made, you think every step or at least the first, and you get it [done].

I'm not sure if it's post-college life and the thrills of working, but I haven't been as dedicated to making time for some things I feel like I should do. I want to feel bad -- and even mentioning this may mean some guilt is in there, but I enjoy not being [pro]/active. I wonder if it's because much of my energy is projected toward other places that aren't necessarily nourishing (mind, body, and soul) for the time spent.

Time is money; and time is life. Each moment that we use and each moment that we "waste" is time that could have been spent on something else. What is the best thing to do right now for today and tomorrow?

So now I'm just thinking about what to do each day, every moment, every opportunity to live... How to be better. It is 2015.

Did I ever say 'hello'?

FROM NEW YORK CITY TO YOU...12.31.14

Disclaimer: This was not my first time to New York and I've been several times. But this is the first time I went to NY independently of age and with no agenda. It was phenomenal. Check out pics from my 2014 transition, from DC to Philly to NYC.

I can't believe it's 2014 and I have unpublished blogs. I start writing, but can never complete the thought. It's as if I get to a point where my mind decides it doesn't want to feed me more words, more wit, more thoughts to put down.

It's 2014, and I'm looking to change that. I'm looking to change several things in my life. It's time to make things happen and not just think about the fact that it needs to be done or that I want it to be done. No more being idle. No more watching and waiting.

My turn to rise up!

2013 was pleasant and filled with travels for me and my beloved. Over the summer, we joined 12 others for an adventure in a strange house in the woods with no internet.

Only two (2) hours outside of D.C. is a house unlike any other that I've seen. I never thought I would come across a place like Brewhouse Mountain Eco-Inn in York Haven, PA.

It was in July when a group of youthful, free souls joined together for some fun over the hot summer weekend. It was magnificently detailed and clearly someone's treasure.

Image by Neha Gautam

We arrived on a dark and stormy night (literally lol), but our curiosity loomed. With 12 others eagerly prepared to explore our new haus for the weekend, it was just us and the woods away from the rest of the world.

There were figurines and odd statues from the mid-1900s and more importantly, the walls were lined up with containers of beer in all sizes–kegs and cans–from the past century (possibly more).

Image by Neha Gautam

Each room had its own theme based on the cans in the room; there was the Pacific, Germany, America, and Africa and EurAsia. Every element of the house and every single room was unique and well organized/planned. I slept in the bright and beautiful Scandinavian/Swedish Room.

Image by Neha Gautam

We had fun; partied in the game room with strobe lights; drink skippy; went hiking; and made it a weekend to remember. I would do it all over...perhaps in a new house with the same people... just for different stories.

...

Fast forward to November with the autumn season slipping away, and the adventure continued in Pennsylvania to Philly.

It was my second time to Philly–if 1 unplanned overnight for American Idol auditions at 16 counts (itinerary was pretty strict)–and I was pretty excited. My boyfriend and I made it a trip right before the Thanksgiving holiday.



I was eager to explore the streets of brotherly love and see what one of America's favorite cities had to offer. It was also another opportunity to have a mini-road trip and see some friends.

We walked around the city from South Street through Old city, until we were in Southwest Philly overlooking a view of Camden. Beautiful sight.

I believe it.

Photo courtesy of J.G.

Of course, we tried a recommended cheesesteak at Jim's Steaks on 4th and South Street. Splendid and delicious, it was! Perfect way to start the day before heading back to DC.


Philly–I liked it. I felt the love. I felt good vibes all around. I would do it again and maybe again. It's nice to go into a new city or a new place in general. It feels good to start fresh .


Welcome, 2014.
http://bit.ly/1cDs6XM

Hello, there.

I realize that my travels exceed the number of blogs I've written in the past year. I'm not sure why my writing keeps coming in random spurs, but I have to feel the inspiration. These days, inspiration takes more than a trip. It takes wanting to share the details with all of the people who can and want to listen. I traveled to Dallas in April and May, Boston in October (lovely city), New Jersey/New York in July (2012), and China in June ('12). Details and reviews in the recent blogs posted have been limited during that time, but I've been a little preoccupied...

Last March, I hit it off with a wonderful man and recently landed the perfect opportunity to jumpstart my career. Two things that will keep you distracted - careers and romance.

A week after I started my new job, they had their annual conference in Dallas, TX. Ironically enough, I found myself back in Texas for a second time within such a close period of time (April & May)... It was like another chance to live my Dallas experience and I took the time to relax and enjoy every day as a fresh start. I spent most of my time working the conference and getting to know my new co-workers, but I left time for me to decompress. I even made it out for dinner with a friend from undergrad!

About two weeks after Texas Pt. II, I set out for another adventure! My boyfriend and I hit the road to enjoy a weekend of music, memories, and fun.

The Head and The Heart in RIVA**

Although I enter state lines daily, that Friday was different. We made an afternoon departure for Richmond, Virginia to see The Head and The Heart on Brown's Island. After spending 3 hours in Virginia's [fabulous] traffic congestion, we checked into our [free*] hotel and headed to the show.

The night was fantastic. The music was spectacular. The mood was perfect. Everyone was enjoying the tunes, drinking beer, and loving it all. Apparently, this type of thing goes down every weekend over the summer on Brown's Island; and they call it "Friday Cheers." While I don't know most of the artists they have lined up, THTH was definitely worth the distance and time.

After the concert, we needed to refuel and ended up at The Well - which came highly recommended for local late night dining. The food was delicious/cheap, and the scenery was a small corner [college] bar with perfect mood lighting. We headed back to the hotel to prepare for another day of adventures.

Saturday morning, we ventured to Virginia Beach. We spent time walking on the beach and main waterfront strip. It was your typical commercialized beach scene, but it was nice to be there with a guy I was into...as opposed to family trips to the beach that seem so much more familiar. It was a good time and quite relaxing. We did make it to a cute, house-like restaurant called Tautog's. The food was delicious, but I was sad when the only two things I asked for were conveniently the only two things sold out for the night (guess I have good taste buds).

Photo courtesy of Tautog's

**

**Chincoteague Horses

I am still going on adventures and I still love to travel. I do apologize for not sharing the special details from my other trips, but eventually, they will come. For now...I anticipate the next trip to be as good as the last and hopefully better. The next travel adventure will be to Pennsylvania..an interesting treat with my guy and his friends. All I know is that there will be beer.

xoxo
C


*Courtesy of going to Dallas with both of my companies and staying in the "right" hotels each time, I managed to score enough points for a free room.
** All photos, unless otherwise indicated, courtesy of J.G.

The conference began on Sunday an it was so nice to put names to a face! We had a "new hire" dinner for all of the new employees who started after March 2012 at the Dallas Fish Market (sister to Chophouse Burger - my first Dallas dining experience). The food was delicious with a preset menu and several options to select from. I guess going for the steak was not my best decision after tooth pain from the night before...but when in Texas, LOVE the red meat!!!!

I eventually made my way to Sonny Bryan's Smokehouse with some major disappointment, and introduced my friends to Wild Bill's Western Store - where you can find boots on boots on boots!

I have never seen so many boots in my life, but that is possibly because the farthest I've been out West is Chicago (minus my trip to Australia and the hours of waiting in LAX).

Unfortunately, my tooth took it's final hit with the "BBQ" brisket from Sonny Bryan's; and I needed a solution.

Bourbon, anyone? Or whiskey? Either way, you forget that you're hurting and I was told a little swishing around my mouth would help numb the pain. A select few and I headed to the hotel pool with wine and bourbon in hand.

The next two days were a bit of a blur due to the intensity of my toothache and my primary goal became to make it stop. Even with antibiotics, 'real' pain killers, and peroxide, I felt helpless.

I did meet some cool people and got a taste of what professionalism should be while away on business. I definitely did not do it all right, but I learned a few things that will help me in Round 2 (please standby....). I made new connections and got an opportunity to discuss theories/beliefs about life, religion and love. I had time alone to think and reflect about my life and where I thought I would be and want to be at age 22.

I'm still not 100% sure; but I want to be happy. I want to live comfortably without worrying about what's next or spending an extra $1 in my bank account that I don't really have. I want to know that getting into so much debt for my undergraduate college education was worth it. I want to end up in a career that allows me to help people realize their true potential and the unlimited opportunities. And I want to love and be loved until there is no more love to give.

Thank, Dallas. I don't [/didn't] plan on coming back for you, but it was definitely good while it lasted.

Thnks fr th mmrs.

Pics:


Sonny Bryan's Smokehouse on Main St.

Same corner

RIP JFK



Memorial

Watching from Above

So I tried too...

My first day in Dallas was spent with my supervisors, who geniusly suggested a trip to the local market to save money and time throughout the week. I stocked up on a big bottle of wine, a six-pack of beer, and some grocery items that really ended up getting untouched. Although I only made it through 1 beer, the wine came in handy for pre-gaming several outings throughout the week! We headed to karaoke for the night and enjoyed the presence of our other coworkers based out of New Mexico, Kentucky, and Texas.

Six hours of free time on Saturday left me to roam the city of Dallas all afternoon. I was excited to meet and mingle with locals; but to my surprise, the city was not as booming as I'd hope from about Noon to 4pm.

The Dallas Art Fair was "happening" from April 12-14, but perhaps I missed all of the festivities...
I walked into the Arts District, where I encountered one of the coolest parks I have ever seen for children and families alike. There were food trucks aligned the street/sidewalk and people simply enjoying the sun on a Saturday afternoon. I was particularly impressed by the pianos (2), bright colors, and a display of books, magazines, and boardgames for all to enjoy simple, clean fun. Walking through, I felt as if I was in a Dr. Seuss book without the music or oddities. I took a few snapshots and continued on my journey...

I walked around the city in hope of some excitement; headphones blasting a 5 hour playlist my boyfriend made in my ears. It was the perfect ammo I needed to keep the juice flowing.


After a great flight to Dallas on American Airlines Friday, I noticed they also have a building in Dallas. The closer I got...the more I realized it's not "just" a building. It's the home of the NBA team Dallas Mavericks and the Dallas Stars (Hockey team). I was quite disappointed to not find any Dallas Cowboy signage until someone pointed out that this is not football season...

After seeing some beautiful attractions and what Dallas, Texas had to offer, I was starving. I wanted something that made me feel like I was in Texas.



Texans love their cows. Heck, Texans love their meat! I stumbled onto Main Street, where I found a few restaurants that seemed promising.

I ended up at Hoffbrau's Steakhouse, a well-made decision! I had my heart set on steak until a local convinced me otherwise. He told me the quail and sausage were hearty and would bring me to a place of comfort. :)

He was right. I indulged on sausage and 3-cheese mac 'n' cheese, paired with a small salad and 2 bread rolls...topped off with a margarita - for $15.  

Best first real meal in Texas by-far! I even had enough leftover for Sunday's lunch!



Unfortunately, with yummy sausage came the beginning of my tooth pains that very much affected the remainder of my trip...

Beyond an "educational training" conference, this trip is an opportunity.

The excitement and stories I have encountered in my life are based on opportunities that presented themselves, as well as a desire to take full advantage of any experience that may never happen again.

The key to maximizing experiences involves the realization that you only get one chance. And one opportunity.

The time is now. There will NEVER be another chance or moment that is the same as another. Whether it is the layout of a location, an audience or people you are with, or even the emotions and thoughts being deposited into your brain that cause you to remember that very moment by sight, taste, touch, and smell -- you will only feel that exact way once.

It is also my mission to visit the famous Sonny Bryan's Smokehouse, after my dear Adam Richman from Man v. Food Nation gave the restaurant a fond recommendation on the Travel Channel.

I'm not so sure if everything is bigger in Texas, but we'll see....

p.s. nothing like a good playlist from a special someone to keep you going :)

Until then, peace out y'all.

I miss writing.

It happened in Australia when my laptop disappeared and my blogging stopped. I got a little pink notebook; and it became my everything. I wrote all my thoughts, fears, "lessons learned", letters to God, and personal insights in this little pink notebook. In times when I had nothing or no one, I had my book. I could still release my thoughts, twisted and unjudged. It's not something I would want anyone to see or read, necessarily...but it's too late now. I'm not sure what happened to that little pink notebook. One minute I had it at the Hungry Jacks (Aus. version of Burger King) and in the hallway of my apartment, and the next - gone.

I miss writing. I miss letting my creative juices flow. I started sketching last year. I realized that a new outlet was needed since I couldn't sing out loud while living in other people's homes (during my "homeless" season last year). I suppose the option of writing was always there, but I like to write in a place that is my own [head], in peace and quiet. Anything I could think of writing was too personal and deep for thought. I will have a book eventually and let it all out one day...

For now, it's back to the things I like. Letting those creative juices go and conquer for good.

I will be going to Dallas, Texas for the first time on Friday morning with my company for a conference. My blogging has not been as up-to-date or current as I would like, but that is about to change. Please, look forward to it.

Cheers,
Christine

P.S. To anyone who finds/found that little pink notebook, please email me...(contact info inside...)

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Welcome to Your New life! This time last year, I was still cranky, easily agitated, and ready to throw myself back into the lion's den/world at a moment's notice. Fortunately for me, I could not really do all of those things without eyes and ears around me, i.e. people who care.

In January 2012 (only 19 days after returning from 'Down Under' - literally), I set sail for another adventure. The Big Apple. For an opportunity of a lifetime...

Network. Network. Network!

That was the theme and moral of my trip to New York. It was the 10th annual New York City site visit trip with the School of Communication and KOGOD [Business School] from American University (also sponsored by the AU Career Center).

Property of Nicole Federica

Four days were spent at various companies throughout the city and my journeys led me into different boroughs. I was lined up to visit Nickelodeon, the Associated Press, Fox News, Condé Nast, and Arcadia Creative.

In front of my feet laid opportunities to meet and mingle with people in various industries that I, myself, would love to conquer one day.

My experience was pleasant, except that my mind was still in a fog.

...8 months later. I gave birth. Not to a child, but a new me. A bit premature, I suppose. Australia was my 'awakening' to a new world that was reality.

I spent 4 months attempting to revive myself and wake up to what seemed like a new place -- while figuring out where I had gone. It's important to understand who I am, where I am, and what I am coming from. However, I cannot disclose too many details, simply for privacy reasons.

Essentially, my last blog captured the sudden impact of my life in Australia. I knew my life would never be the same. But that isn't the end.

The past few months were a process of healing and settling back to what is and once was 'normal'. After Australia, 'normal' wasn't enough; not with all the lessons I learned.

My focus and attention completely shattered, making it difficult to re-stabilize the life I once lived. I constantly found myself thinking and wondering about the past, present, and future. But my thoughts went beyond myself and into the dark mind of Yonce. 

Flashbacks to the memories - everything I witnessed - good times, bad times, rough times...sad times. They filled my head. I saw too much. I did too much. Maybe more than anyone would have approved of (unless it's normal to get calls from federal government agents on your lunch break). Even when everything felt like it could be alright, I knew it wasn't.

Whether in my head, or in my bed, or a thousand miles away; the memories were there. It is important that they stay in my mind. Like forgiving and forgetting, but never really forgetting. How else would a lesson be learned?

I recognize that I categorize my life by chapters and that everyone has chapters in their story. It begins at birth, and the stories fluctuate as long as you allow them to. My experiences caused me to become enlightened and 'wide awake'. A new awakening of something that was always there inside, but I never realized until the effect of my 'breaking bad' experience became real.

It's not so much that I changed, but my mind opened. Once upon a time, life was such a beautiful place and there was something good to be said about everything and everyone. It's not true. It's a lie and I had to wake up.

[To] the things we waste time thinking about and doing when there is so much happening in the world around us. I found it hard to focus on what everyone was saying because it became so irrelevant to the bigger picture. The corruption goes beyond politics and a failing government. It goes into the streets, leaks into our schools, and pours into our homes - destroying minds and lives with too much false hope... to dream. Things that once seemed important now appear trivial and selfish.

It was hard to come back to America as a 21 year old girl that was as free as a bird but caged in a box for almost 6 months, only days before. Not because of the lessons I learned, but the things I witnessed, the things I had done; and the things I could not change or control...and the flashbacks...in my head.
It couldn't be reality. I couldn't have survived and made it out alive.

 A lot has certainly changed. To start, I refer to periods in my life as 'Before Australia' and Post-Oz.  Life has been a bit of a whirlwind since my last blog.

I traveled to New York City shortly after (January) and managed to only have the option of going to China (May) to graduate. It seemed like everything changed when I returned - or maybe it was just my contact prescription. It took weeks of self-pity and guilt, months of reconstruction, and time...so much time...to 'count my losses and walk away'.

I came back to nothing but people to rely on, and a government letting me down. It would have been impossible without real people who cared enough to keep me from falling, even if I already felt like I was gone. No one ever can or will understand the magnitude of events that happened. There's still so much I want to understand and why.

BUT a special thanks to my family who supported and loved me when I was going crazy. And to all my new friends and old friends that heard countless, irrational stories of my adventures in Oz and let me crash on their couch for weeks (until last week when I finally moved into my apartment:) - thank you.

And one more...to my first boyfriend since I was 13, because when everything in this twisted world seemed to be going so wrong, we are the one thing that seems to be right.

Stay Tuned: New York, New York.

I stopped blogging when I stopped being me. When I could not figure out the difference between who was Christine and who was BeYonce...my alias.

As you may have guessed it, my trip to Australia is over and I'm back on solid ground in the U-S-of-A. Does it feel good to be home? Maybe.

Melbourne was amazing, but I certainly had my downfalls, problems, and defeats...or so it felt. That's why I stopped blogging. IT all became TOO much....not to mention the fact that EVERYTHING important to me was stolen; taken away; against my will -- including my laptop, American cell phone, little pink diary, and camera to capture the moments....

2012 is going to hit soon (the ball already dropped in Australia), so I think it might be good if I closed that chapter; just so I can open a new one without all the baggage.

After so much had been stolen, I had to convince myself that they didn't matter and all those materialistic things did not control my happiness. Quite the difficult task, especially when my life DID revolve around constantly being "connected" and "in" with media.

A warning sign of someone that is going to commit suicide includes "Giving away prized possessions." But what happens when those 'prized possessions' are taken? You can lose yourself.


I did not want to commit suicide or even have the thought cross my mind because I was too busy having another life. My laptop was stolen the same week I had final exams -- academics -- my purpose for being in Melbourne.
All my notes from lectures, unpublished photos, blogs, resumes, important documents, EVERYTHING, was on that laptop. I'll be honest, I haven't gotten over it. I don't think I will get over it until 1. Justice is restored by me getting compensated or my computer back (reported to the Victoria Police, who aren't too good at doing their job). I knew who did it within 2 minutes of it happening and I felt "helpless", because it was too late. My heart still beats when I think about the seconds after realizing what happened and I wish I had control. I wish I could have taken the elevator 15 floors down and bashed the windows of the car before it could get away....but I can't, I couldn't, I didn't, and now....I have nothing.


Moving on.
What happens after a successful suicide? Well, for one, a person dies and there's no resurrecting them. It's even worse when you mix those feelings with the abuse of drugs or alcohol. Life is never the same again.


I always viewed myself as a happy, optimistic, kind individual -- maybe the nicest...too nice, so I realized. That's when things changed. I will always be nice and expect kindness in return, but I learned that you can't put so much trust in what people should do and you can never EVER really let your guard down. At the end of the day 'man is a wolf to man' (Homo homini lupus - Thomas Hobbes) and people are selfish creatures that live for themselves. I think Beyoncé already said it: "Me, myself, and I, that's all I got in the end. That's what I found out..."


I'm sure a million questions might be running through your head while you're reading this and I wish I could tell you the whole story, but it wouldn't even be PG-13. We have to work on a need-to-know basis: beginning with everyone getting laid off at my first job (September) to running out of money and not wanting to have to ask my parents to 'top up' my bank account (October) to getting kicked out of my apartment a week after my birthday because I requested to pay rent 24 hours after it was due by a patriarchal short Italian guy that 'didn't live there' to going on a binge for the next month and a half until I landed on American soil just two weeks ago. Nothing about my life in Melbourne screamed glamorous.


One thing is for certain, I have stories. I don't remember all of them, but I met amazing people and lost quality friends. I lived in 6 places within 6 months of living in Australia on a low-budget of having no budget.


It's crazy how my life changed. They call it 'breaking bad.' Contrary to the fact that it's my friend's favorite television show, there's another definition she told me about. In an interview, Bryan Cranston (main character, Walter in 'Breaking Bad') coined the term as "when someone who has taken a turn off the path of the straight and narrow, when they've gone wrong. And that could be for that day or for a lifetime." I prefer the way my friend defined it: "It's when one thing so drastic happens that it changes your life" -- whether for the day or for a lifetime.

I can't tell you when my moment was, but it happened long before I was robbed. The name BeYonce was not self-assigned; it was given to me by someone that I love now more than anything and my only reason for wanting to return to Melbourne. Meeting her changed my world. My love is nothing romantic...but rather the love a mother has for a child or a sister or a real friend. It's funny because I've been called crazy and stupid so many times because unlike most people, I chose to love. Now, whether my life was changed for good or bad is subjective.

It's interesting how much a name, or things, can define a person or make someone feel 'together.' Because of my binge, there was no time to think; no time to eat; barely sleep; only move. It was fun. It was amazing. It was another life. It wasn't my life. No one is ever going to understand what happened over the past 2 months but my life will never be the same again.

And for the suicide warning signs that SCREAMED 'Christine is dying':

• Withdrawing from family and friends.
• Feeling trapped -- like there is no way out of a situation. <-- that's only how it starts
• Experiencing dramatic mood changes.
• Abusing drugs or alcohol.
• Exhibiting a change in personality.
• Acting impulsively.
• Losing interest in most activities.
• Experiencing a change in sleeping habits.
• Experiencing a change in eating habits.
• Losing interest in most activities. <-- I stopped singing...[well].
• Performing poorly at work or in school. <-- I still have an exam to take from Melbourne in January
• Giving away prized possessions. <-- debatable; although I gave away and tossed out clothes after losing 30 lbs in 2 months
• Acting recklessly.

And it's been a bit of love and hell. Next time ;)

Picture taken by Arianna F.

Picture taken by Arianna F.

Picture taken by Arianna F.