She Wants It Her Way

...8 months later. I gave birth. Not to a child, but a new me. A bit premature, I suppose. Australia was my 'awakening' to a new world that was reality.

I spent 4 months attempting to revive myself and wake up to what seemed like a new place -- while figuring out where I had gone. It's important to understand who I am, where I am, and what I am coming from. However, I cannot disclose too many details, simply for privacy reasons.

Essentially, my last blog captured the sudden impact of my life in Australia. I knew my life would never be the same. But that isn't the end.

The past few months were a process of healing and settling back to what is and once was 'normal'. After Australia, 'normal' wasn't enough; not with all the lessons I learned.

My focus and attention completely shattered, making it difficult to re-stabilize the life I once lived. I constantly found myself thinking and wondering about the past, present, and future. But my thoughts went beyond myself and into the dark mind of Yonce. 

Flashbacks to the memories - everything I witnessed - good times, bad times, rough times...sad times. They filled my head. I saw too much. I did too much. Maybe more than anyone would have approved of (unless it's normal to get calls from federal government agents on your lunch break). Even when everything felt like it could be alright, I knew it wasn't.

Whether in my head, or in my bed, or a thousand miles away; the memories were there. It is important that they stay in my mind. Like forgiving and forgetting, but never really forgetting. How else would a lesson be learned?

I recognize that I categorize my life by chapters and that everyone has chapters in their story. It begins at birth, and the stories fluctuate as long as you allow them to. My experiences caused me to become enlightened and 'wide awake'. A new awakening of something that was always there inside, but I never realized until the effect of my 'breaking bad' experience became real.

It's not so much that I changed, but my mind opened. Once upon a time, life was such a beautiful place and there was something good to be said about everything and everyone. It's not true. It's a lie and I had to wake up.

[To] the things we waste time thinking about and doing when there is so much happening in the world around us. I found it hard to focus on what everyone was saying because it became so irrelevant to the bigger picture. The corruption goes beyond politics and a failing government. It goes into the streets, leaks into our schools, and pours into our homes - destroying minds and lives with too much false hope... to dream. Things that once seemed important now appear trivial and selfish.

It was hard to come back to America as a 21 year old girl that was as free as a bird but caged in a box for almost 6 months, only days before. Not because of the lessons I learned, but the things I witnessed, the things I had done; and the things I could not change or control...and the flashbacks...in my head.
It couldn't be reality. I couldn't have survived and made it out alive.

 A lot has certainly changed. To start, I refer to periods in my life as 'Before Australia' and Post-Oz.  Life has been a bit of a whirlwind since my last blog.

I traveled to New York City shortly after (January) and managed to only have the option of going to China (May) to graduate. It seemed like everything changed when I returned - or maybe it was just my contact prescription. It took weeks of self-pity and guilt, months of reconstruction, and time...so much time...to 'count my losses and walk away'.

I came back to nothing but people to rely on, and a government letting me down. It would have been impossible without real people who cared enough to keep me from falling, even if I already felt like I was gone. No one ever can or will understand the magnitude of events that happened. There's still so much I want to understand and why.

BUT a special thanks to my family who supported and loved me when I was going crazy. And to all my new friends and old friends that heard countless, irrational stories of my adventures in Oz and let me crash on their couch for weeks (until last week when I finally moved into my apartment:) - thank you.

And one more...to my first boyfriend since I was 13, because when everything in this twisted world seemed to be going so wrong, we are the one thing that seems to be right.

Stay Tuned: New York, New York.