I stopped blogging when I stopped being me. When I could not figure out the difference between who was Christine and who was BeYonce...my alias.
As you may have guessed it, my trip to Australia is over and I'm back on solid ground in the U-S-of-A. Does it feel good to be home? Maybe.
Melbourne was amazing, but I certainly had my downfalls, problems, and defeats...or so it felt. That's why I stopped blogging. IT all became TOO much....not to mention the fact that EVERYTHING important to me was stolen; taken away; against my will -- including my laptop, American cell phone, little pink diary, and camera to capture the moments....
2012 is going to hit soon (the ball already dropped in Australia), so I think it might be good if I closed that chapter; just so I can open a new one without all the baggage.
After so much had been stolen, I had to convince myself that they didn't matter and all those materialistic things did not control my happiness. Quite the difficult task, especially when my life DID revolve around constantly being "connected" and "in" with media.
A warning sign of someone that is going to commit suicide includes "Giving away prized possessions." But what happens when those 'prized possessions' are taken? You can lose yourself.
I did not want to commit suicide or even have the thought cross my mind because I was too busy having another life. My laptop was stolen the same week I had final exams -- academics -- my purpose for being in Melbourne.
All my notes from lectures, unpublished photos, blogs, resumes, important documents, EVERYTHING, was on that laptop. I'll be honest, I haven't gotten over it. I don't think I will get over it until 1. Justice is restored by me getting compensated or my computer back (reported to the Victoria Police, who aren't too good at doing their job). I knew who did it within 2 minutes of it happening and I felt "helpless", because it was too late. My heart still beats when I think about the seconds after realizing what happened and I wish I had control. I wish I could have taken the elevator 15 floors down and bashed the windows of the car before it could get away....but I can't, I couldn't, I didn't, and now....I have nothing.
Moving on.
What happens after a successful suicide? Well, for one, a person dies and there's no resurrecting them. It's even worse when you mix those feelings with the abuse of drugs or alcohol. Life is never the same again.
I always viewed myself as a happy, optimistic, kind individual -- maybe the nicest...too nice, so I realized. That's when things changed. I will always be nice and expect kindness in return, but I learned that you can't put so much trust in what people should do and you can never EVER really let your guard down. At the end of the day 'man is a wolf to man' (Homo homini lupus - Thomas Hobbes) and people are selfish creatures that live for themselves. I think Beyoncé already said it: "Me, myself, and I, that's all I got in the end. That's what I found out..."
I'm sure a million questions might be running through your head while you're reading this and I wish I could tell you the whole story, but it wouldn't even be PG-13. We have to work on a need-to-know basis: beginning with everyone getting laid off at my first job (September) to running out of money and not wanting to have to ask my parents to 'top up' my bank account (October) to getting kicked out of my apartment a week after my birthday because I requested to pay rent 24 hours after it was due by a patriarchal short Italian guy that 'didn't live there' to going on a binge for the next month and a half until I landed on American soil just two weeks ago. Nothing about my life in Melbourne screamed glamorous.
One thing is for certain, I have stories. I don't remember all of them, but I met amazing people and lost quality friends. I lived in 6 places within 6 months of living in Australia on a low-budget of having no budget.
It's crazy how my life changed. They call it 'breaking bad.' Contrary to the fact that it's my friend's favorite television show, there's another definition she told me about. In an interview, Bryan Cranston (main character, Walter in 'Breaking Bad') coined the term as "when someone who has taken a turn off the path of the straight and narrow, when they've gone wrong. And that could be for that day or for a lifetime." I prefer the way my friend defined it: "It's when one thing so drastic happens that it changes your life" -- whether for the day or for a lifetime.
I can't tell you when my moment was, but it happened long before I was robbed. The name BeYonce was not self-assigned; it was given to me by someone that I love now more than anything and my only reason for wanting to return to Melbourne. Meeting her changed my world. My love is nothing romantic...but rather the love a mother has for a child or a sister or a real friend. It's funny because I've been called crazy and stupid so many times because unlike most people, I chose to love. Now, whether my life was changed for good or bad is subjective.
It's interesting how much a name, or things, can define a person or make someone feel 'together.' Because of my binge, there was no time to think; no time to eat; barely sleep; only move. It was fun. It was amazing. It was another life. It wasn't my life. No one is ever going to understand what happened over the past 2 months but my life will never be the same again.
And for the suicide warning signs that SCREAMED 'Christine is dying':
- Withdrawing from family and friends.
- Feeling trapped -- like there is no way out of a situation. <-- that's only how it starts
- Experiencing dramatic mood changes.
- Abusing drugs or alcohol.
- Exhibiting a change in personality.
- Acting impulsively.
- Losing interest in most activities.
- Experiencing a change in sleeping habits.
- Experiencing a change in eating habits.
- Losing interest in most activities. <-- I stopped singing...[well].
- Performing poorly at work or in school. <-- I still have an exam to take from Melbourne in January
- Giving away prized possessions. <-- debatable; although I gave away and tossed out clothes after losing 30 lbs in 2 months
- Acting recklessly.
