She Wants It Her Way

I miss writing.

It happened in Australia when my laptop disappeared and my blogging stopped. I got a little pink notebook; and it became my everything. I wrote all my thoughts, fears, "lessons learned", letters to God, and personal insights in this little pink notebook. In times when I had nothing or no one, I had my book. I could still release my thoughts, twisted and unjudged. It's not something I would want anyone to see or read, necessarily...but it's too late now. I'm not sure what happened to that little pink notebook. One minute I had it at the Hungry Jacks (Aus. version of Burger King) and in the hallway of my apartment, and the next - gone.

I miss writing. I miss letting my creative juices flow. I started sketching last year. I realized that a new outlet was needed since I couldn't sing out loud while living in other people's homes (during my "homeless" season last year). I suppose the option of writing was always there, but I like to write in a place that is my own [head], in peace and quiet. Anything I could think of writing was too personal and deep for thought. I will have a book eventually and let it all out one day...

For now, it's back to the things I like. Letting those creative juices go and conquer for good.

I will be going to Dallas, Texas for the first time on Friday morning with my company for a conference. My blogging has not been as up-to-date or current as I would like, but that is about to change. Please, look forward to it.

Cheers,
Christine

P.S. To anyone who finds/found that little pink notebook, please email me...(contact info inside...)

HAPPY NEW YEAR! Welcome to Your New life! This time last year, I was still cranky, easily agitated, and ready to throw myself back into the lion's den/world at a moment's notice. Fortunately for me, I could not really do all of those things without eyes and ears around me, i.e. people who care.

In January 2012 (only 19 days after returning from 'Down Under' - literally), I set sail for another adventure. The Big Apple. For an opportunity of a lifetime...

Network. Network. Network!

That was the theme and moral of my trip to New York. It was the 10th annual New York City site visit trip with the School of Communication and KOGOD [Business School] from American University (also sponsored by the AU Career Center).

Property of Nicole Federica

Four days were spent at various companies throughout the city and my journeys led me into different boroughs. I was lined up to visit Nickelodeon, the Associated Press, Fox News, Condé Nast, and Arcadia Creative.

In front of my feet laid opportunities to meet and mingle with people in various industries that I, myself, would love to conquer one day.

My experience was pleasant, except that my mind was still in a fog.

...8 months later. I gave birth. Not to a child, but a new me. A bit premature, I suppose. Australia was my 'awakening' to a new world that was reality.

I spent 4 months attempting to revive myself and wake up to what seemed like a new place -- while figuring out where I had gone. It's important to understand who I am, where I am, and what I am coming from. However, I cannot disclose too many details, simply for privacy reasons.

Essentially, my last blog captured the sudden impact of my life in Australia. I knew my life would never be the same. But that isn't the end.

The past few months were a process of healing and settling back to what is and once was 'normal'. After Australia, 'normal' wasn't enough; not with all the lessons I learned.

My focus and attention completely shattered, making it difficult to re-stabilize the life I once lived. I constantly found myself thinking and wondering about the past, present, and future. But my thoughts went beyond myself and into the dark mind of Yonce. 

Flashbacks to the memories - everything I witnessed - good times, bad times, rough times...sad times. They filled my head. I saw too much. I did too much. Maybe more than anyone would have approved of (unless it's normal to get calls from federal government agents on your lunch break). Even when everything felt like it could be alright, I knew it wasn't.

Whether in my head, or in my bed, or a thousand miles away; the memories were there. It is important that they stay in my mind. Like forgiving and forgetting, but never really forgetting. How else would a lesson be learned?

I recognize that I categorize my life by chapters and that everyone has chapters in their story. It begins at birth, and the stories fluctuate as long as you allow them to. My experiences caused me to become enlightened and 'wide awake'. A new awakening of something that was always there inside, but I never realized until the effect of my 'breaking bad' experience became real.

It's not so much that I changed, but my mind opened. Once upon a time, life was such a beautiful place and there was something good to be said about everything and everyone. It's not true. It's a lie and I had to wake up.

[To] the things we waste time thinking about and doing when there is so much happening in the world around us. I found it hard to focus on what everyone was saying because it became so irrelevant to the bigger picture. The corruption goes beyond politics and a failing government. It goes into the streets, leaks into our schools, and pours into our homes - destroying minds and lives with too much false hope... to dream. Things that once seemed important now appear trivial and selfish.

It was hard to come back to America as a 21 year old girl that was as free as a bird but caged in a box for almost 6 months, only days before. Not because of the lessons I learned, but the things I witnessed, the things I had done; and the things I could not change or control...and the flashbacks...in my head.
It couldn't be reality. I couldn't have survived and made it out alive.

 A lot has certainly changed. To start, I refer to periods in my life as 'Before Australia' and Post-Oz.  Life has been a bit of a whirlwind since my last blog.

I traveled to New York City shortly after (January) and managed to only have the option of going to China (May) to graduate. It seemed like everything changed when I returned - or maybe it was just my contact prescription. It took weeks of self-pity and guilt, months of reconstruction, and time...so much time...to 'count my losses and walk away'.

I came back to nothing but people to rely on, and a government letting me down. It would have been impossible without real people who cared enough to keep me from falling, even if I already felt like I was gone. No one ever can or will understand the magnitude of events that happened. There's still so much I want to understand and why.

BUT a special thanks to my family who supported and loved me when I was going crazy. And to all my new friends and old friends that heard countless, irrational stories of my adventures in Oz and let me crash on their couch for weeks (until last week when I finally moved into my apartment:) - thank you.

And one more...to my first boyfriend since I was 13, because when everything in this twisted world seemed to be going so wrong, we are the one thing that seems to be right.

Stay Tuned: New York, New York.

I stopped blogging when I stopped being me. When I could not figure out the difference between who was Christine and who was BeYonce...my alias.

As you may have guessed it, my trip to Australia is over and I'm back on solid ground in the U-S-of-A. Does it feel good to be home? Maybe.

Melbourne was amazing, but I certainly had my downfalls, problems, and defeats...or so it felt. That's why I stopped blogging. IT all became TOO much....not to mention the fact that EVERYTHING important to me was stolen; taken away; against my will -- including my laptop, American cell phone, little pink diary, and camera to capture the moments....

2012 is going to hit soon (the ball already dropped in Australia), so I think it might be good if I closed that chapter; just so I can open a new one without all the baggage.

After so much had been stolen, I had to convince myself that they didn't matter and all those materialistic things did not control my happiness. Quite the difficult task, especially when my life DID revolve around constantly being "connected" and "in" with media.

A warning sign of someone that is going to commit suicide includes "Giving away prized possessions." But what happens when those 'prized possessions' are taken? You can lose yourself.


I did not want to commit suicide or even have the thought cross my mind because I was too busy having another life. My laptop was stolen the same week I had final exams -- academics -- my purpose for being in Melbourne.
All my notes from lectures, unpublished photos, blogs, resumes, important documents, EVERYTHING, was on that laptop. I'll be honest, I haven't gotten over it. I don't think I will get over it until 1. Justice is restored by me getting compensated or my computer back (reported to the Victoria Police, who aren't too good at doing their job). I knew who did it within 2 minutes of it happening and I felt "helpless", because it was too late. My heart still beats when I think about the seconds after realizing what happened and I wish I had control. I wish I could have taken the elevator 15 floors down and bashed the windows of the car before it could get away....but I can't, I couldn't, I didn't, and now....I have nothing.


Moving on.
What happens after a successful suicide? Well, for one, a person dies and there's no resurrecting them. It's even worse when you mix those feelings with the abuse of drugs or alcohol. Life is never the same again.


I always viewed myself as a happy, optimistic, kind individual -- maybe the nicest...too nice, so I realized. That's when things changed. I will always be nice and expect kindness in return, but I learned that you can't put so much trust in what people should do and you can never EVER really let your guard down. At the end of the day 'man is a wolf to man' (Homo homini lupus - Thomas Hobbes) and people are selfish creatures that live for themselves. I think Beyoncé already said it: "Me, myself, and I, that's all I got in the end. That's what I found out..."


I'm sure a million questions might be running through your head while you're reading this and I wish I could tell you the whole story, but it wouldn't even be PG-13. We have to work on a need-to-know basis: beginning with everyone getting laid off at my first job (September) to running out of money and not wanting to have to ask my parents to 'top up' my bank account (October) to getting kicked out of my apartment a week after my birthday because I requested to pay rent 24 hours after it was due by a patriarchal short Italian guy that 'didn't live there' to going on a binge for the next month and a half until I landed on American soil just two weeks ago. Nothing about my life in Melbourne screamed glamorous.


One thing is for certain, I have stories. I don't remember all of them, but I met amazing people and lost quality friends. I lived in 6 places within 6 months of living in Australia on a low-budget of having no budget.


It's crazy how my life changed. They call it 'breaking bad.' Contrary to the fact that it's my friend's favorite television show, there's another definition she told me about. In an interview, Bryan Cranston (main character, Walter in 'Breaking Bad') coined the term as "when someone who has taken a turn off the path of the straight and narrow, when they've gone wrong. And that could be for that day or for a lifetime." I prefer the way my friend defined it: "It's when one thing so drastic happens that it changes your life" -- whether for the day or for a lifetime.

I can't tell you when my moment was, but it happened long before I was robbed. The name BeYonce was not self-assigned; it was given to me by someone that I love now more than anything and my only reason for wanting to return to Melbourne. Meeting her changed my world. My love is nothing romantic...but rather the love a mother has for a child or a sister or a real friend. It's funny because I've been called crazy and stupid so many times because unlike most people, I chose to love. Now, whether my life was changed for good or bad is subjective.

It's interesting how much a name, or things, can define a person or make someone feel 'together.' Because of my binge, there was no time to think; no time to eat; barely sleep; only move. It was fun. It was amazing. It was another life. It wasn't my life. No one is ever going to understand what happened over the past 2 months but my life will never be the same again.

And for the suicide warning signs that SCREAMED 'Christine is dying':

• Withdrawing from family and friends.
• Feeling trapped -- like there is no way out of a situation. <-- that's only how it starts
• Experiencing dramatic mood changes.
• Abusing drugs or alcohol.
• Exhibiting a change in personality.
• Acting impulsively.
• Losing interest in most activities.
• Experiencing a change in sleeping habits.
• Experiencing a change in eating habits.
• Losing interest in most activities. <-- I stopped singing...[well].
• Performing poorly at work or in school. <-- I still have an exam to take from Melbourne in January
• Giving away prized possessions. <-- debatable; although I gave away and tossed out clothes after losing 30 lbs in 2 months
• Acting recklessly.

And it's been a bit of love and hell. Next time ;)

Picture taken by Arianna F.

Picture taken by Arianna F.

Picture taken by Arianna F.

• Television and Popular Culture  - watch classic and modern TV shows that shape what we watch today and talk about it
• Self and Other - psycho-social-political aspect of the relationship between Me and You and Everyone We Know
• New Media and Future Technologies - we talk about the internet; new media vs. old media
• Human Rights and Global Justice - talk about refugees; asylum seekers; and their rights to self-determination in political, medical, legal, social, and cultural aspects...interesting